remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
