operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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