I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
