morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
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I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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