You can't special order awesome
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
