Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
