The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
