Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
