I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
