Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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