we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
