She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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