She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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