I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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