I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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