three words: i give head
three words: not that well
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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