pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
