I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I love you.
Bad choice
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
