it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
