so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
