he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
