I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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