I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she pinky promised me she was 18
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
