a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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