I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
