I've blown a few things in my day
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
