I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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