put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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