im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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