How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
