For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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