captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
