Please, let me fuck your mom
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
