bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
