i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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