I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
