I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
