he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
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She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.