i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
