i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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