FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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