what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
