dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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