Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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