My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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