Can i not drive my cunt home
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
