meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.