The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.