I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.