just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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