Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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