She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
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i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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