Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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