Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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