just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Did I show you my penis last night?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
