You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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