The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
