the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think my vagina is haunted
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
