If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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