I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
