I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wish there were birth control emojis
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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